when the numbers get so high / 11:06 am

The confusion is beginning to set in again. What I need to keep in mind is that I am in control of my life, my stress, and how I choose to deal with it. Last night over our delicious Chinese dinner, Adam and I talked about the coming quarter and year. He was definitely the more positive one this time, while all I could think about was how tempting the hills and woods looked from the window... again, the longing for escape into a more natural place with more natural stress and dangers. Basically, I'm tired of feeling like everything is a struggle and some sort of disgusting game. I wish we were just allowed to just live and be and feel happy all of the time. All of these familiar recurring doubts and worries are internal, but also, to some extent, external. 

Today is not a good day for me... gloomy muggy weather, a tide of hormones, and the ominous imminence of school starting tomorrow. I should be happy and excited, but all I can think about right now is how I never expected to feel this way in college. It was supposed to be happy and bright, and I was supposed to feel independent and important... the opposite of how I feel right now... but, then again, I'm tired and sitting in the cast of fluorescent office lights for the 23rd hour this week. 

moonshadow, moonshadow / 2:29 am

I can't sleep no matter how hard I try. It's my nerves because I go back to Athens tomorrow. Usually I'm somewhat excited for school to start again, but this time I'm not ready. The only part of Athens I'm looking forward to has nothing to do with school. I can't wait to be near Adam every day and to see friends, but for some reason I'm finding it especially hard to leave family. I didn't spend nearly as much time with Dad or Robin as I had hoped and Mom and I always have a hard time parting, even when we see each other most of every day. All I've been able to do is look at old pictures and try not to cry all night. Then I started thinking about myself... who I am, etc., which led to speculation of my zodiac sign. I'm a Cancer and a very strong one based on all of the text I have read. I don't know much about astrology but it's always intrigued me so, for what it's worth, here's who I am according to the sun and I'll note if I disagree...

Cancer: the crab

Element: water (this is interesting because I feel closer to earth and water frightens me to some degree; it is always an obstacle/bridge in my dreams)

Ruler: the moon

Season: Summer (I love Fall too)

Metal: silver

Stone: pearl

Color: white, yellow

Anatomy: stomach, breasts

Positive keywords: gentle, feeling, nurturing, defensive, contemplative, loyal, intuitive, imaginative

Negative keywords: overemotional, moody, procrastinating, hidden

Moon in Cancer natives have a large potential to be able to get in touch with the feelings and moods of others. Often, they are quite wrapped up in themselves. Their memories of the past are outstanding, especially for all things emotional. Moon in Cancer people are never detached—they cling to things, their home, and people they care for. They seek out security and familiarity in all they do. They look for peace and quiet. These peace-loving souls dislike superficiality in all of its forms. They are devoted and accommodating. They tend to accumulate things. Because of their strong attachment to, and memory of, the past, others may complain that Moon in Cancer natives tend to whip a dead horse. When they feel they have been taken for granted (which may be often!), they don't always confront others directly. This is when they can use roundabout ways to get your attention. They can also be victims of habit. These people can have a hard time compartmentalizing their lives, simply because their watery Moon tends to know no boundaries. Sometimes, as a result, they may act irrationally. One of the most delightful characteristics of Moon in Cancer people is their loony sense of humor. These people can be extraordinarily funny (I don't show this side unless I know a person very well and trust them... inside the shell). Their moodiness can baffle others, but their unique outlook on life is something most people can appreciate. When treated with tenderness and understanding, Moon in Cancer natives return the favor with warmth and protection. 

Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancers can be quite intrigued by objects with history attached to them — antiques, photos, souvenirs, and the like. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don't let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people. They are appreciative of art and literature, and may themselves possess considerable literary, artistic or oratorical talent.

The sign of Cancer marks the entry of the Sun into summer at the Solstice. Like the crab which is Cancer's symbol, the Cancer native will have a soft of emotional sensitivity that creates a sense of vulnerability and a need for emotional security. Cancer is driven by a need to nurture and to be nurtured, and an affinity to the its ruler, the Moon, with all of its moods and wisdom. Cancer's primary focus is on the family and taking care of those they love. Because of their extreme sensitivity, they may withdraw into an ever-hardening shell.

Water is the element of emotion, and Cancer is the first of the water signs. Ruled by the Moon which presides over matters of emotional security and our emotional needs, Cancer is the most sensitive in many ways of all the signs. Cancer is a cardinal sign and therefore driven by a need to lead and take action rather than sit by the sidelines and follow. Cancer not only feels their emotions – they take action to express them.

Cancer was made for love and family, and you will not find a more ardent spouse or lover. When you are sick, Cancer will bring soup. When you are sad, Cancer will bring your favorite movie. They are often better at caring for others than for themselves, and often find it difficult to accept the love they need so dearly. Cancer needs to be needed, and wants a sense of family and connection. They do not handle rejection well; nor can they live with infidelity. Like the crab, Cancers can be shy and rarely approach a relationship directly but sidle up to it until they feel secure. Cancer's emotional sensitivity causes them to feel deeply the pain not only of their "clan" or "tribe," but also of the world. This makes them passionate about a cause, particularly when there is an underdog involved. Unlike the air or fire signs, for Cancer inspiration is about working in the real world, not an ideal.

Cancer rules the stomach, armpits, breasts, solar plexus, and pancreas. Its affiliation with the Moon gives it an additional association for women with the female organs. There is a danger for Cancerians of giving too much and either being unable, or refusing, to be nurtured in return. The disease Cancer has been associated with this sign, especially breast cancer. This is likely the result of a nurturing imbalance and lack of self-care. If Cancer retreats into its hard shell of distrust and refuses to let go of personal grudges, their personal vitality can be depleted which can subject them to nervous exhaustion and stomach upsets.

The colors of Cancer are white, for purity and the Moon, as well as blue for calmness and blue-green for healing and tranquility. Gems include the ruby, for contentment and peace; the pearl, to stimulate spiritual transformation and to calm stomach distress; and of course the moonstone, to heighten intuition and to balance internal hormone  cycles. The metal for Cancer is silver, reflecting the light of the Moon and mirroring the soul.

(Well, this explains a lot.)

the handmade blade, the child's balloon / 8:10 pm

I don't want to leave.

I don't want to leave.

I don't want to leave

so many things.

I'm so tired, my mind is set on you / 2:07 am

[my two favorite love stories]

tea & oranges / 5:12 pm

Some photographs of illustrations from my old journal. I'm finished with it and it will probably sit on a shelf somewhere gathering dust (or perhaps not), so I wanted these pictures close at hand, just in case. 

1. dream memories

2. David Bowie impromptu

3. Beethoven haiku

4. "Motorcycle Legs" (a story I never finished)

5. Drawing inspired by Jack Kerouac quote from his "Windblown World" journal

6. Drawing of firefly (one of my favorite insects & childhood memories)

I'll try to sing it pure and easily / 11:03 am

the veins in my hands; the curl of my toes; the little chips in my front teeth; the bones of my wrist; the mole on my right cheekbone; the two moles on my left forearm; the one on my left big toe; my pale skin, my brown hair; longing for the forest (so many of I've never seen); wolves and their howling; my blue carpet and all of its different smells; wooden floors; coffee coffee coffee; tea before bedtime; libraries and stacks of books; being alone; observing strangers; being with family (this includes Adam's); being with Adam; taking walks; the last stretch of running; the earthy taste of beets; warm milk with vanilla; wearing over-sized t-shirts around the house; Native American stories and culture; breakfast; Mom's scrambled eggs; Dad's French toast; goat cheese; warm lighting; acting like an animal; painting; the smell of crayons; coffeehouses; Whale Mountain; art festivals; my (the) magnolia tree; music music music and its endless possibilities; a good cry; the bittersweet hurt of nostalgia; how I'll never reconcile with time; finding people's thoughts, underlinings, and circles in library or used books; good movies, especially in the theater; bare feet and worn shoes; sweaters; pretty dresses; John Lennon; recognizing; campfires and bonfires; my sweet Penny; singing the Pennydog song; Penny's paws; brick, wood, stone, earth; hugging; noticing how some people touch you when they talk and how some don't; eye contact; laughter; reminiscing; helping people; playing music for friends; reading about astrology; the quiet of the early morning and late night when I can hear myself think; collecting postcards, records, books; the smell of art erasers; the taste of play-do; reading aloud complete with character voices; a full moon; rubbing off rubber cement; when the sun breaks through the clouds; seeing the sun and shadows in-between a tree's leaves and branches; cut-off shorts; the smell of freshly cut grass; eating chocolate slowly, letting it melt in my mouth; the way it feels to ride a horse (but it's been so long) and the way I imagine it feels to ride a motorcycle on an open country road; the taste of chocolate milk reminding me of kindergarten; watching insects and spiders move, build, spin, eat; the good feeling I get when I let an insect or spider free outside instead of smashing it; teachers who understand you're a real person with valuable thoughts; sidewalk chalk; using jars for drinking glasses; objects with stories; clay, hand-painted, hand-molded coffee mugs; what do birds think about as they sit in the branches, on the wires?

time it was and what a time it was / 1:09 am

Every spring when summer approaches, I make several mental and written lists of things I would like to accomplish. And every summer, I get far less accomplished than I had planned. However, I can honestly cross one goal off of my list: reading. I have made two fruitful trips to the main library downtown (it's big and a dream-come-true!) and have left with such stacks of books that the librarians either look suspicious or highly amused. Some of them I really liked, even loved, and some were not what I was looking for. Today I finished one of the last books and it seems I left the best for last. Blue Highways by William Least-Heat Moon is a new favorite. The only problem with favorites is they end up costing me money... whenever I really love a book, I feel the need to possess it, to see it sitting on my shelf. A reminder of dreams, an escape, a real or imagined place. Books make me feel safe and so lost that I am found.

The 1st library trip:

Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse; What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami; Picnic, Lightning by Billy Collins; Landscape At the End of the Century by Stephen Dunne; Strike Sparks by Sharon Olds; The Book of Love & The Glance: Songs of Soul-Meeting by Rumi; Love by Toni Morrison; The Body Artist by Don DeLillo; Sexing the Cherry by Jeanette Winterson; Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf; The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz; Remembering Laughter by Wallace Stegner; Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris; Small Wonder: Essays by Barbara Kingsolver

The 2nd library trip:

Blue Highways by William Least-Heat Moon; The Thing About Life Is That One Day You'll Be Dead by David Shields; The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby; High Tide in Tucson: Essays from Now or Never by Barbara Kingsolver; Loosestrife by Stephen Dunne; Nine Horses by Billy Collins; When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris; Book of Longing by Leonard Cohen; Moment to Moment by Rod McKuen; The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge; Migration by W.S. Merwin; The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz

Other:

Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

And now, thanks to goodreads.com, I have at least fifty books on my to-read list. It will never end, will it? Coming up: The Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver; Be Here Now by Ram Dass; The Essential Rumi; Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins; Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain by Oliver Sacks

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"book collecting is an obsession, an occupation, a disease, an addiction, a fascination, an absurdity, a fate. it is not a hobby. those who do it must do it." (Jeanette Winterson)

"outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. inside of a dog it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)


"I find television very educating. every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." (Groucho Marx)

"so many books, so little time." (Frank Zappa)

"where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?" (Henry Ward Beecher)

"I'm writing this book because we're all going to die." (Jack Kerouac)

And speaking of good Kerouac quotes: "I felt like lying down by the side of the trail and remembering it all. the woods do that to you, they always look familiar, long lost, like the face of a long-dead relative, like an old dream, like a piece of forgotten song drifting across the water, most of all like golden eternities of past childhood or past manhood and all the living and the dying and the heartbreak that went on a million years ago and the clouds as they pass overhead seem to testify (by their own lonesome familiarity) to this feeling." (from The Dharma Bums--one of my favorites)

well, she was just seventeen / 1:26 pm

It's Chippy's 17th birthday! I can't believe how fast she's growing up. I'm so proud of her for so many reasons... her strength and intelligence, her talents and achievements (National Honor's Society, VP of student council, basketball star among others), her kindness, her beauty inside and out. Here is a birthday card I made for her special day:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBIN!

john & yoko / 6:24 pm

Two of my favorite people (not including my family, Adam, the Torres', and a few close friends). Watch this... I don't need to say anything else. You'll understand.

WAR IS OVER! (If You Want It) from Yoko Ono on Vimeo.

dear shadow, alive and well / 5:25 pm

Not my own writing... just an excerpt from the Fleet Foxes album inlet written by Robin Pecknold. I can really relate to the feelings and thoughts expressed in it.

"Sometimes when driving, or riding the bus, or walking around in some park, I will try to get an image in my head of what the land around me would have looked like 400 years ago. The same hills, the same landscape, but in my mind, I'll cover it in nothing and wonder what it was like to be the first man to chance upon it. This is always useless to me. There is so much wonder in this world, but I always have trouble getting past our influence, our disasters and clumsy systems. And even in those places where there is some real beauty, like down at Golden Gardens, or on the Olympic Peninsula, or in my grandparents' cabin in Wenatchee when it's deep in snowdrifts, all I have to do is take one look at the skyline in the distance, or the cement path I'm walking on, or the white car parked in the gravel driveway to take me out of the tenuous illusion and put me back in reality.

We are constantly tethered to some safety line. There is always a lantern, or a map, or a screen, or a cell phone. These things guarantee that whatever experience we're having is just an attempt at connecting to something foreign and old, that it's not real, no matter how real it looks. We've sketched out a new world over the old, and they are in two separate universes; the old is lost despite the remnants of it we see everyday. If properly prepared, one could live entire decades indoors, in a world of their own creation.

Sometimes, I'll stay indoors for days at a time, talking to no one and doing nothing of value. Once I do go outside after a long stretch like that, it still feels fake, like some slide in front of my eyes. At a certain point, I'll have to tell myself, "This is actually real and I am actually here, that dog or building or mountain range in the distance is a real thing inhabiting the same space that I am." I think that must be a very modern sensation, that of having to convince oneself of reality. What a weird feeling.

A very smart and gifted friend of mine told me once that music is a kind of replacement for the natural world. That, before civilization or whatever, the world must have seemed a place of such immense wonder and confusion, so terrifying in a way, unthinkably massive and majestic. And that feeling of mystery and amazement is somehow hardwired into us. Once the world became commonplace, mapped, and conquered, that mystery left our common mind and we needed something to replace it with and then along came music. I think she's right, music is magic to me, transportative and full of wonder in a way that I have trouble getting from the natural world. All the human things that make the natural world so hard to connect with just aren't there with music.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this. It's not good to romanticize a time of great hardship. Hardship I've never known and am not conditioned to understand. I'm also not interested in a "back to nature" thing, as nature as it was is gone for the time being and it would take a very big leap of faith and common sense to ignore that. But, music to me is just as awe-bringing as the world maybe once was, and I just love it a lot."

- New York City, NY

January 2008