when the numbers get so high / 11:06 am

The confusion is beginning to set in again. What I need to keep in mind is that I am in control of my life, my stress, and how I choose to deal with it. Last night over our delicious Chinese dinner, Adam and I talked about the coming quarter and year. He was definitely the more positive one this time, while all I could think about was how tempting the hills and woods looked from the window... again, the longing for escape into a more natural place with more natural stress and dangers. Basically, I'm tired of feeling like everything is a struggle and some sort of disgusting game. I wish we were just allowed to just live and be and feel happy all of the time. All of these familiar recurring doubts and worries are internal, but also, to some extent, external. 

Today is not a good day for me... gloomy muggy weather, a tide of hormones, and the ominous imminence of school starting tomorrow. I should be happy and excited, but all I can think about right now is how I never expected to feel this way in college. It was supposed to be happy and bright, and I was supposed to feel independent and important... the opposite of how I feel right now... but, then again, I'm tired and sitting in the cast of fluorescent office lights for the 23rd hour this week.