Today is a strange but good day. I've done a lot of work, but I've also been very distracted. All I want to do is listen to music (right now Kurt Vile) and enjoy the sun. My internship is still going wonderfully and I look forward to it, but I would do just about anything right now to have the rest of the week off.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
sand spills out / 7:21 pm
Lately, I've realized that I think about living in the present more than I actually live in the present. I want so badly to fulfill that mindset that I waste all of my time planning to live in the present, rather than just doing it! I have always been this way--dwelling in the past or daydreaming about the future--always wishing I could learn to be fully here and now. I'm only really present when I'm trying to help others, but never for myself. I never feel complete when I'm alone. This isn't to say that I don't like being alone. I like solitude (and partial solitude) much of the time. It's more that I don't feel complete when I'm in my own head and become stuck in never-ending cycles of wondering and worrying and missing... and sometimes finding, thank goodness.
Lately, I've just been missing. Missing Adam, missing childhood, missing my family and Penny already. I'm afraid of losing memories, forgetting the small things that don't really seem to matter until I can no longer remember them--the texture of the blue carpet in my room against my cheek, the trees in my yard, the wallpaper in the kitchen. These things might not really matter, but I've always known them and they are some tiny part of me. I feel like I'm losing part of myself, but I also know that if I don't follow the dreams and the road ahead of me than I'll never find a part of myself. My chest hurts when I think about this. It feels like heartbreak. It feels like I have an hourglass inside of me and somebody is trying to break the glass, so all of the sand spills out. I don't know how to reconcile or comfort myself. This is something only I can feel right now--the push and pull, the pain and the excitement--and I'm not sure that anybody else really knows what it's like.
When I'm in an astrological mood, I attribute these mixed-up feelings to being a Cancer. I'm less adventurous than I pretend I am (but not less spontaneous). I do collect and I do need stability and family, as the stars are said to point out. Right now though, I know this is all because I am approaching a big change in life. This is part of who I am and I need to realize that I won't lose the most important parts of me--my family and everything else that I hold so dear. I'm not despairing deep down, but I will admit to being worried... not for the future because I know it will be wonderful. I'm afraid to acknowledge it, but I'm worried in the present. Maybe I am living it after all. I do embrace the future and everything it holds, I just feel very alone right now and I feel like I've been wandering for weeks without any end in sight.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
horrid! / 5:17 pm
I have been working on a powerpoint presentation for the past hour and a half, and I need to take a break... mainly because the married couple sitting next to me is horrid. On second thought, it is the female partner who is horrid. She ridicules the poor man, chastising him as if he was (a) a child or (b) an individual with severe developmental needs. "Lewis, you need to listen to me... got it, Lewis? Okay, Lewis? I've told you once, I've told you twice... blah blah blah." It doesn't sound as bad in writing, but to hear the tone and nuance of her dumb monotonous voice is enough to make me want to leave the coffee shop. I can't imagine how poor Lewis feels. It is so degrading and I don't understand how a couple (especially a young one) can act like this, especially in public. I don't think anybody else notices because they are only audible to me. Lewis sounds like he is growing more and more irritated by the minute and I don't blame him. "Oh my god, seriously, Lewis? You know what? Unbelievable!" This is a reminder to myself to never act like this to anybody, especially somebody I presumably love.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
a wonky nose / 1:31 am
Reminiscing with my old book collection tonight.
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."
— Roald Dahl
"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it."
— Roald Dahl
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