big and small / 12:33 am

I need a change--a fast, a cleanse, an awakening. I feel tired and worn, and all of my words fall upon deaf ears, as the saying goes. There is never enough time and, when there is time, I waste it. There are so many things I want and need to say and do, prayers all of them... so many prayers, big and small.

When I was a little girl, I would think of dinosaurs and outer space. History and bones and births and the possibility of life undiscovered. These thoughts overwhelmed and excited me, but I couldn't think of them for long periods of time. I felt as though my mind would spin out of control after some minutes had passed. I still think about these things, but less frequently.

I make promises to myself and I break the promises too often. A healthier body, a clean room (to help gain a clearer mind), a good night's sleep, more time to think and create and read and play music for my own sake. I catch myself trying to fit more time in the day than actually exists. I set my alarm clock too early and my dream self curses. I go to bed too late and my dream self tries to be patient. Dreams have been important to me lately... flowers from my bellybutton, the picnic, the waves, brick streets, a song, skin, horses and hair and warm breath, a pool, the swimming and swimming and swimming... they have been good to me.

I know that I am confused about many things. I know that I will always hunger for answers and connections and something nameless. It is okay and necessary and, more than anything, I am grateful.