I've been trying to begin the packing process for the past few days, but it's so difficult. From an organizational standpoint, I have too many things--books, records, keepsakes, clothes, instruments--so it's hard to determine what I need to bring vs. what I want to bring. On a deeper level, it reminds me of the fact that I am moving 1,242 miles away from everything I've ever known. At first I felt silly crying over all of the books I will be leaving behind, but I realize that I'm not crying for the books so much as what they represent: my childhood and adolescence and, most of all, my family. Looking around my room, my crying turns into sobbing as I see that this room will never be the same. It will always be mine, but it is being abandoned now. It has been my haven for so long--the place I go to when I need to escape, where I write songs, where I look out at the trees in the morning, where I hear the zoom of cars going by my window. For almost my entire life it has been a part of me--yes, in a physical and material sense, but it also transcends this somehow.
I am heartsick and beside myself. Even now I know I packed too many books and I'll have to remove a few in the coming days. I know I am making the right decision, but I didn't know it would be so painful. Big changes are not easy for me.
"It's never easy to say goodbye
To the faces
So rarely do we see another one
So close and so long
I asked the room if I'd said enough
No one really answered
They just said, 'Don't go, don't go'
Well, all this leaving is neverending"
Monday, July 11, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
that fine, fine music / 12:59 am
I never really tire of dancing to this song. It's also perfect for driving on sunny days, especially with sunglasses on. Some songs make you feel cool just by listening to them.
back to the beginning / 12:47 am
Tonight I fully comprehended that I will be a music therapist in a matter of a week or two. Studying for the board exam tonight, I came across a few paragraphs in a book and realized that they ring as true to me now as they did when I first read them 4.5 years ago. Not only that, but I have witnessed the truth in them through my experiences in observation, practicum, and my internship... through the clients and patients--the people--who have taught me more than any perfect A+ performance or Dean's list quarter ever could. The fear and stress and tears and late nights and early mornings were all worth it because they have brought me to this point.
"Music is a universal human behavior; it is found in all cultures... some philosophers, theorists, and researchers believe this is the case because human beings have a biological predisposition toward and need for music.
Music is something that is based in the physical world; it is composed of real physical structures that can be perceived by a person's senses. In addition, the structure of music is linked to time order: Music always unfolds and exists only through experiencing it in time.
Music is a phenomenon that affects the whole person; it affects physical, cognitive, and emotional responses as well as mind-body connections and interactions.
Music affects interactions between and among individuals. It can motivate, structure, and organize activity and interactions; convey or influence ideas; and influence group moods and activity levels.
Music is a unique form of both verbal and nonverbal communication. It speaks directly to and for the emotions, helping individuals express those parts of themselves and their experiences that cannot be fully expressed by words alone. Music also conveys symbolic meanings and communicates universal, archetypal ideas and myths. It may stimulate imagery and fantasy that helps individuals communicate with events or ideas from their past or with previously untouched aspects of themselves.
Music is integrally connected to the emotions, both through cultural convention and practice and through common biological and neurological arousal and processing sites (e.g., limbic system, right brain hemisphere). Music connects individuals with the basic emotions of all humankind, while at the sam time giving them a unique way of accessing and expressing their own personal emotional experiences and identities. Because of its link to the emotions, music also can provide a stimulus that taps into those emotional and affective components of a person that may motivate, facilitate, support, and sustain positive growth and change.
Music is an aesthetic and creative experience. As such, it can stimulate and integrate all aspects of a person's being and provide a means through which creative instincts can be channeled toward constructive ends. Aesthetic and creative experiences also give individuals a better capacity to cope with and find meaning in life, thus improving their total health and life satisfaction.
Music provides a source of enjoyment and gratification. Since music is something that is generally considered to be 'fun' and is valued by society, it can help motivate participation, enhance self-esteem, promote positive interactions, and normalize treatment environments."
- Music Therapy: An Introduction by Jacqueline Schmidt Peters, MMT, MT-BC
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
make it last a little while / 6:02 pm
Today is a strange but good day. I've done a lot of work, but I've also been very distracted. All I want to do is listen to music (right now Kurt Vile) and enjoy the sun. My internship is still going wonderfully and I look forward to it, but I would do just about anything right now to have the rest of the week off.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
sand spills out / 7:21 pm
Lately, I've realized that I think about living in the present more than I actually live in the present. I want so badly to fulfill that mindset that I waste all of my time planning to live in the present, rather than just doing it! I have always been this way--dwelling in the past or daydreaming about the future--always wishing I could learn to be fully here and now. I'm only really present when I'm trying to help others, but never for myself. I never feel complete when I'm alone. This isn't to say that I don't like being alone. I like solitude (and partial solitude) much of the time. It's more that I don't feel complete when I'm in my own head and become stuck in never-ending cycles of wondering and worrying and missing... and sometimes finding, thank goodness.
Lately, I've just been missing. Missing Adam, missing childhood, missing my family and Penny already. I'm afraid of losing memories, forgetting the small things that don't really seem to matter until I can no longer remember them--the texture of the blue carpet in my room against my cheek, the trees in my yard, the wallpaper in the kitchen. These things might not really matter, but I've always known them and they are some tiny part of me. I feel like I'm losing part of myself, but I also know that if I don't follow the dreams and the road ahead of me than I'll never find a part of myself. My chest hurts when I think about this. It feels like heartbreak. It feels like I have an hourglass inside of me and somebody is trying to break the glass, so all of the sand spills out. I don't know how to reconcile or comfort myself. This is something only I can feel right now--the push and pull, the pain and the excitement--and I'm not sure that anybody else really knows what it's like.
When I'm in an astrological mood, I attribute these mixed-up feelings to being a Cancer. I'm less adventurous than I pretend I am (but not less spontaneous). I do collect and I do need stability and family, as the stars are said to point out. Right now though, I know this is all because I am approaching a big change in life. This is part of who I am and I need to realize that I won't lose the most important parts of me--my family and everything else that I hold so dear. I'm not despairing deep down, but I will admit to being worried... not for the future because I know it will be wonderful. I'm afraid to acknowledge it, but I'm worried in the present. Maybe I am living it after all. I do embrace the future and everything it holds, I just feel very alone right now and I feel like I've been wandering for weeks without any end in sight.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
horrid! / 5:17 pm
I have been working on a powerpoint presentation for the past hour and a half, and I need to take a break... mainly because the married couple sitting next to me is horrid. On second thought, it is the female partner who is horrid. She ridicules the poor man, chastising him as if he was (a) a child or (b) an individual with severe developmental needs. "Lewis, you need to listen to me... got it, Lewis? Okay, Lewis? I've told you once, I've told you twice... blah blah blah." It doesn't sound as bad in writing, but to hear the tone and nuance of her dumb monotonous voice is enough to make me want to leave the coffee shop. I can't imagine how poor Lewis feels. It is so degrading and I don't understand how a couple (especially a young one) can act like this, especially in public. I don't think anybody else notices because they are only audible to me. Lewis sounds like he is growing more and more irritated by the minute and I don't blame him. "Oh my god, seriously, Lewis? You know what? Unbelievable!" This is a reminder to myself to never act like this to anybody, especially somebody I presumably love.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
a wonky nose / 1:31 am
Reminiscing with my old book collection tonight.
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."
— Roald Dahl
"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it."
— Roald Dahl
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