It seems I only write when I need to vent and I realize this is foolish because there are many good things to write about as well... but right now, all I can see is failure or at least a premonition of failure. I know what I want to identify with and I know what roles I'd like to fill, but I don't know how to go about actualizing anything.
As a music therapist.
As a daughter.
As a partner.
As a friend.
As someone who just wants to help.
All I do is apply to jobs, half of which I have no interest in, just to get a little money. (If only I could get paid for how much time I've put into filling out applications.) Now that I have one, I am worried that I'm going to be miserable with it before too long. Hostessing is not my calling and I've done it before, sticking it out until I couldn't anymore. Any music therapy positions are a catch-22 because they involve contracting which doesn't seem like it's going to be the best idea financially (gas, insurance, instruments). The one music therapy facility that offered a halfway feasible position believes I need more experience. Well, how can I get experience if nobody will give me a chance?
I need to work harder maybe. I need to search more, but I'm feeling burned out. I don't even play my guitar anymore. I haven't played it since I've been here and I feel embarrassed of my own music. I can't solve anything and it grows messier as more and more time passes.
I am whining and it is ridiculous, but I can't help it because I feel almost completely lost. The key parts of me are hiding and not even I know where to find them.
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I think the key is a sort-of spiritual detachment from our own work. Remember why The Farm was such a beautiful place? Because we could appreciate our strong legs that helped us do good work, but because, beyond it all, we knew that, no matter how much did or did not contribute, something larger was at play, too;
We could plant the garlic, but we did not make the garlic grow. We could't claim responsibility for that. We gave what we had, and then we left it to God (or nature or call it what you will) to take what we had done and make it flourish into something bigger...
Caitlin, you have so many gifts: your empathy and heart, your creativity/art/music and deepness of feeling, your devotion in relationship, your ability to self-reflect and grow--
these are all just a few of many--
And all of these gifts will lead you places you never dreampt exisited.
A pretty damn bright loved one of yours told me once;
feelings of frustration and dejection and fear are always easier than trust and faith. but failure always offers the largest learning and you've gotta be the spark in your own engine that picks yourself up after disappointment.
Caitlin, your feelings of devalue do not mean you are devalued.
You are, in someone's better words than mine,
a rare, rare find.
I love you.
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