to just unlock my mind / 12:31 am

The first half of today was enjoyable and much-needed. My family (including Robin!) came to Athens today.  My mom turns forty-nine years old tomorrow, so Adam and I made her water-color paintings. We hid them in our coats so they wouldn't get wet from the melting snow that was dripping from the trees. We met my family at Casa for breakfast and I ate a belly-warming bowl of oatmeal. After that, Adam went to a study session and the rest of us went to shops on Court Street. I got a "tropical island" lamp that is the long-lost partner of a similar one I bought at Comfest this summer. I am glad they are reunited... I am so sure they are made by the same person! I also got three maracas and my dad bought me a little melody harp from a thrift store back home. My family went back to Columbus around 4:00 or so, but I left my cell phone in the car and they had to turn around to drive it back to me.

The second half of the day was terrible and discouraging. I worked on a song composition for theory. I've been working on it since the middle of the week (or longer) and I finished it about an hour ago. There were all kinds of complications... printing trouble, the stupid Finale program, and I had to go back and correct every tiny mistake I could find. I worked so hard on it but I'm not even sure it's any good. Nevertheless, I'm glad it is finished. I was about to lose it and it's a big relief just to cross it off of my never-ending list of things to do. I also put the last touches on my English paper, which I am fairly confident about. I didn't get to do my bulletin board, but it isn't actually due until tomorrow night and I should be able to put it up little by little tomorrow.

I don't know how I am going to make it through the next year or two. I'm not giving up hope. I'm not saying I can't or won't make it through... but I don't know how. Sometimes it seems that school's only purpose is to make my life miserable. During the school year, there isn't one day that I feel like I can truly relax, take a break, devote some time to myself or to others. All of my work goes toward some invisible force that imposes itself on me day after day (and night after night). I don't have time to read. I don't have time to exercise. I don't have time to think. When I sat down to write a few minutes ago, I felt guilty because I wasn't doing something school-related. 

Recently, I am not satisfied unless I am worrying. Most of the time, I am worrying about deadlines and papers and tests. Once in awhile, I'll have an hour or a few minutes where my mind is able to stop and drift off to happy thoughts of family, of Adam, of my dreams and the future... but then I start worrying about those things too. I start to cry because I realize that one day my family will die, Adam will die, I will die, someday I will have kids and they will die. I have developed an obsession with worrying and dwelling on anything remotely negative, no matter how distant. I'm not even opposed to death. It's just a continuation of life but it's also a form of loss for the living. I'm just scared all of the time. Of failing myself, of losing people... 

I don't know what to say. I can't continue living in a constant state of battle with myself and with school. I want to be happy and I am happy because of Adam, my family, Adam's family, wonderful memories, and the prospect of the future but... I just want to stop worrying. I just want to know, to see, that it will be alright. 

"And I know what's right but I'm losing sight..." - Guided By Voices