bring me / 1:34 pm

to hold it up / 9:21 am

Lately I have posting others' words, others' thoughts, little inspirations, things I can escape to/with/through. I have time to write my own thoughts, but not the energy right now. I'm waiting for something (maybe hiding from something?), hibernating in books and pictures.

Gift / W.S. Merwin

I have to trust what was given to me

if I am to trust anything

it led the stars over the shadowless mountain

what does it not remember in its night and silence

what does it not hope knowing itself no child of time

what did it not begin what will it not end

I have to hold it up in my hands as my ribs hold up my heart

I have to let it open its wings and fly among the gifts of the unknown

again in the mountain I have to turn

to the morning

I must be led by what was given to me

as streams are led by it

and braiding flights of birds

the gropings of veins the learning of plants

the thankful days

breath by breath

I call to it Nameless One O Invisible

Untouchable Free

I am nameless I am divided

I am invisible I am untouchable

and empty

nomad live with me

be my eyes

my tongue and my hands

my sleep and my rising

out of chaos

come and be given

Lemuel's Blessing

Let Lemuel bless with the Wolf, which is a

dog without a master, but the Lord hears his

cries and feeds him in the desert. - Christopher Smart: Jubilate Agno

You that know the way,

Spirit,

I bless your ears which are like cypresses on a mountain

With their roots in wisdom. Let me approach.

I bless your paws and their twenty nails which tell their own prayer

And are like dice in command of their own combinations.

Let me not be lost.

I bless your eyes for which I know no comparison.

Run with me like the horizon, for without you

I am nothing but a dog lost and hungry,

Ill-natured, untrustworthy, useless.

My bones together bless you like an orchestra of flutes.

Divert the weapons of the settlements and lead their dogs a dance.

Where a dog is shameless and wears servility

In his tail like a banner,

Let me wear the opprobrium of possessed and possessors

As a thick tail properly used

To warm my worst and my best parts. My tail and my laugh bless you.

Lead me past the error at the fork of hesitation.

Deliver me

From the truth of the lair, which clings to me in the morning,

Painful when I move, like a trap;

Even debris has its favorite positions but they are not yours;

From the ruth of kindness, with its licked hands;

I have sniffed baited fingers and followed

Toward necessities which were not my own: it would make me

A habitue of back steps, faithful custodian of fat sheep;

From the ruth of prepared comforts, with its

Habitual dishes sporting my name and its collars and leashes of vanity;

From the ruth of approval, with its nets, kennels, and taxidermists;

It would use my guts for its own rackets and instruments, to play its own

games and music;

Teach me to recognize its platforms, which are constructed like scaffolds;

From the ruth of known paths, which would use my feet, tail, and ears

as curios,

My head as a nest for tame ants,

My fate as a warning.

I have hidden at wrong times for wrong reasons.

I have been brought to bay. More than once.

Another time, if I need it,

Create a little wind like a cold finger between my shoulders, then

Let my nails pour out a torrent of aces like grain from a threshing machine;

Let fatigue, weather, habitation, the old bones, finally,

Be nothing to me,

Let all lights but yours be nothing to me.

Let the memory of tongues not unnerve me so that I stumble or quake.

But lead me at times beside the still waters;

There when I crouch to drink let me catch a glimpse of your image

Before it is obscured with my own.

Preserve my eyes, which are irreplaceable.

Preserve my heart, veins, bones,

Against the slow death building in them like hornets until the place is

entirely theirs.

Preserve my tongue and I will bless you again and again.

Let my ignorance and my failings

Remain far behind me like tracks made in a wet season,

At the end of which I have vanished,

So that those who track me for their own twisted ends

May be rewarded only with ignorance and failings.

But let me leave my cry stretched out behind me like a road

On which I have followed you.

And sustain me for my time in the desert

On what is essential to me.

little flower pot / 12:09 am

A flower pot I decorated tonight. Paint, paper, tile, glass, and seashells.

what ifs / 12:49 pm

These days I feel like a wild wounded animal found by a caring person who fully intends to release the animal back into its natural environment when healed, but grows too attached and decides it would be better (for the animal's sake, of course) to keep the animal as a pet, not willing to admit that it's really for his or her own sake. I feel scared, like something has gone wrong or could go wrong, and I ask "what ifs?" which are against the rules, and I find that small meaningful passages from books or music can set me to tears in an instant. "What is golden is gray, and I'm suddenly shy..." Sometimes Grey Brother (my stuffed animal) feels more real than most human beings I know, as silly as that sounds. He's "heard" more of my stories than most people, "knows" more of me. Any question I could ask wouldn't be clear enough to receive an adequate answer. Any place I could go isn't whole enough to make me feel whole.

a shady lane / 7:42 pm

Oh my god, oh your god, oh his god, oh her god

It's everybody's god, it's everybody's god,

it's everybody's god, it's everybody's god.

morning musings / 10:19 am

Joanna Newsom

Ted Lucas

Herman Hesse

Maude

Henry Miller

Erik Satie

another one bites the dust / 3:33 pm

Another quarter down and two to go!

the tip of my wings / 8:43 pm

Sometimes I find myself wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing (school, studying, stress). I start to ask questions that probably have no answers or shouldn't be answered... and then I hear a certain song or receive the highest reward of helping someone, and begin to ask new questions: Why wouldn't I be doing this? What else could I get such satisfaction out of? Music, helping people, sharing happiness and even difficult emotions... isn't it worth some momentary stress? This question I can answer and the answer is: yes.

why this frightened part of me? / 11:30 am

Why in the night sky are the lights on?
Why is the earth moving round the sun?
Floating in the vacuum with no purpose, not a one
Why in the night sky are the lights on?

Why is life made only for to end?
Why did generals break in at the bend?
Why this frightened part of me that's fated to pretend?
Why is life made only for to end?

In the city only for a while
Here to face the fortune and the bile
I heard you on the radio, I couldn't help but smile
In the city only for a while

Why in the night sky are the lights on?
Why is the earth moving round the sun?
Floating in the vacuum with no purpose, not a one
Why in the night sky are the lights on?

like I'm in a fist fight with a fog, baby / 11:47 pm

Joanna Newsom, keep me going through this night.

-Good Intentions Paving Company-

"Twenty miles left to the shore
Hello my old country hello
Stars are just beginning to appear
And I have never in my life before been here

And it's my heart, not me, who cannot ply
That base conclusion you may write
Watching me sit here bolt upright and cry
For no good reason at the Eastern sky

And the tilt of this strange nation
And the will to remain for the duration
Waving the flag, feeling it drag

Like a bump on a bump on a log, baby
Like I'm in a fist fight with a fog, baby
Step-ball-change and a pirouette
And .. and I regret, I regret

How I said to you, honey, just open your heart
When I've got trouble even opening a honey jar
And that right there is where we are

And I been 'fessing double fast
Addressing questions nobody asks
I'll get this joy off of my chest at last
And I will love you 'til the noise has long since passed

And I did not mean to shout, just drive
Just get us out, get home ..
A road too long to mention holds us up ..
Laid down by the good intentions paving company

All the weight of the thing we've been playing at, darlin'
I can see that you're wearing your staying hat, darlin'
For the time being all is well
Won't you love me a spell?

This is blindness beyond all conceiving
Well, behind us the road is leaving, yeah, leaving
And falling back
Like a rope gone slack

And the sauce strayed away but the ladle will stay
But I fell for you, honey, as easy as falling asleep
And that right there is the course I keep...

And no amount of talking
Is going to soften the fall
But, like after the rain, step out
Of the overhang, that's all

It had a nice a ring to it
When the old opera house rang
So with a song I'm all ran
"Signed, sealed, delivered" I sang

And there is hesitation
And it always remains
Concerning you, me,
And the rest of the gang

And in a quiet hour
I feel I see everything

And am in love with the hook
Upon which everyone hangs

And I know you meant to show the extent
To which you gave a god dang
It rings real hot and real cold but I'm sold
I am home on that range

And I do hate to fold
Right here at the top of my game
When I've been trying with my whole heart and soul
To stay right here in the right lane

But it can make you feel over and old
Lord, you know it's a shame
When I only want for you to pull over and hold me
'Til I can't remember my own name"