what ifs / 12:49 pm

These days I feel like a wild wounded animal found by a caring person who fully intends to release the animal back into its natural environment when healed, but grows too attached and decides it would be better (for the animal's sake, of course) to keep the animal as a pet, not willing to admit that it's really for his or her own sake. I feel scared, like something has gone wrong or could go wrong, and I ask "what ifs?" which are against the rules, and I find that small meaningful passages from books or music can set me to tears in an instant. "What is golden is gray, and I'm suddenly shy..." Sometimes Grey Brother (my stuffed animal) feels more real than most human beings I know, as silly as that sounds. He's "heard" more of my stories than most people, "knows" more of me. Any question I could ask wouldn't be clear enough to receive an adequate answer. Any place I could go isn't whole enough to make me feel whole.

a shady lane / 7:42 pm

Oh my god, oh your god, oh his god, oh her god

It's everybody's god, it's everybody's god,

it's everybody's god, it's everybody's god.

morning musings / 10:19 am

Joanna Newsom

Ted Lucas

Herman Hesse

Maude

Henry Miller

Erik Satie

another one bites the dust / 3:33 pm

Another quarter down and two to go!

the tip of my wings / 8:43 pm

Sometimes I find myself wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing (school, studying, stress). I start to ask questions that probably have no answers or shouldn't be answered... and then I hear a certain song or receive the highest reward of helping someone, and begin to ask new questions: Why wouldn't I be doing this? What else could I get such satisfaction out of? Music, helping people, sharing happiness and even difficult emotions... isn't it worth some momentary stress? This question I can answer and the answer is: yes.

why this frightened part of me? / 11:30 am

Why in the night sky are the lights on?
Why is the earth moving round the sun?
Floating in the vacuum with no purpose, not a one
Why in the night sky are the lights on?

Why is life made only for to end?
Why did generals break in at the bend?
Why this frightened part of me that's fated to pretend?
Why is life made only for to end?

In the city only for a while
Here to face the fortune and the bile
I heard you on the radio, I couldn't help but smile
In the city only for a while

Why in the night sky are the lights on?
Why is the earth moving round the sun?
Floating in the vacuum with no purpose, not a one
Why in the night sky are the lights on?

like I'm in a fist fight with a fog, baby / 11:47 pm

Joanna Newsom, keep me going through this night.

-Good Intentions Paving Company-

"Twenty miles left to the shore
Hello my old country hello
Stars are just beginning to appear
And I have never in my life before been here

And it's my heart, not me, who cannot ply
That base conclusion you may write
Watching me sit here bolt upright and cry
For no good reason at the Eastern sky

And the tilt of this strange nation
And the will to remain for the duration
Waving the flag, feeling it drag

Like a bump on a bump on a log, baby
Like I'm in a fist fight with a fog, baby
Step-ball-change and a pirouette
And .. and I regret, I regret

How I said to you, honey, just open your heart
When I've got trouble even opening a honey jar
And that right there is where we are

And I been 'fessing double fast
Addressing questions nobody asks
I'll get this joy off of my chest at last
And I will love you 'til the noise has long since passed

And I did not mean to shout, just drive
Just get us out, get home ..
A road too long to mention holds us up ..
Laid down by the good intentions paving company

All the weight of the thing we've been playing at, darlin'
I can see that you're wearing your staying hat, darlin'
For the time being all is well
Won't you love me a spell?

This is blindness beyond all conceiving
Well, behind us the road is leaving, yeah, leaving
And falling back
Like a rope gone slack

And the sauce strayed away but the ladle will stay
But I fell for you, honey, as easy as falling asleep
And that right there is the course I keep...

And no amount of talking
Is going to soften the fall
But, like after the rain, step out
Of the overhang, that's all

It had a nice a ring to it
When the old opera house rang
So with a song I'm all ran
"Signed, sealed, delivered" I sang

And there is hesitation
And it always remains
Concerning you, me,
And the rest of the gang

And in a quiet hour
I feel I see everything

And am in love with the hook
Upon which everyone hangs

And I know you meant to show the extent
To which you gave a god dang
It rings real hot and real cold but I'm sold
I am home on that range

And I do hate to fold
Right here at the top of my game
When I've been trying with my whole heart and soul
To stay right here in the right lane

But it can make you feel over and old
Lord, you know it's a shame
When I only want for you to pull over and hold me
'Til I can't remember my own name"

emergence / 11:29 am

The following is taken from Book of the Hopi:

"The whole myth and meaning of the Emergence is expressed by one symbol known to the Hopis as the Mother Earth symbol. There are two forms, the square and the circular...

... the symbol is commonly known as Tápu'at [Mother and Child]. The square type represents spiritual rebirth from one world to the succeeding one, as symbolized by the Emergence itself. In this drawing the straight line emerging from the entrance is not connected with the maze. Its two ends symbolize the two stages of life--the unborn child within the womb of Mother Earth and the child after it is born, the line symbolizing the umbilical cord and the path of Emergence. Turning the drawing so that the line stands vertical, at the top of the page, you will see that the lower end is embraced by the U-shaped arm of the maze. The inside lines represent the fetal membranes which enfold the child within the womb, and the outside lines the mother's arms which hold it later.

The circular type differs slightly in design and meaning. The center line at the entrance is directly connected with the maze, and the center of the cross it forms symbolizes the Sun Father, the giver of life. Within the maze, lines end at four points. All the lines and passages within the maze form the universal plan of the Creator which man must follow on his Road of Life; and the four points represent the cardinal or directional points embraced within this universal plan of life. 'Double security' or rebirth to one who follows the plan is guaranteed, as shown by the same enfoldment of the child by the mother. The additional meaning this circular type offers is that it also symbolizes the concentric boundaries of the land traditionally claimed by the Hopis, who have secret shrines planted along them. During Wúwuchim and other ceremonies the priests make four circuits around the village to reclaim this earth ceremonially in accordance with the universal plan." - Frank Waters

what flower would you like to be? / 7:26 pm

I will never tire of "Harold and Maude." 
I wish I had the time to watch it right now.

boldly dismantling / 9:36 am

This quarter is going to be an adventure.